Here's a new one. Getting a bit pissed off after reiki!
I had a reiki session yesterday at Yukato Yoga with Amanda of Blending Whispers. I'm at the point now with reiki that I can still be totally dropped into the experience and receptive to messages, but also communicate with the practitioner. This happened about a year ago, and ever since then it's been like this.
I had a big release, and some more trauma was released, and a really big explosion of tears. We also had some funny messages come through to both of us at the same time. After we were finished, I decided to stay and do the Kundalini practice with the gong meditation with Amanda. (I highly recommend). I left the studio calm but also slightly agitated. One of the things we joked about while I was on the table was "no bullshit." I don't know why that came up, but it was part of our energetic exchange and felt pertinent at the time. Was it ever appropriate. She told me I would feel completely differently this morning. And was she ever right!
I came home last night to a shit storm in my email. I should not have checked. I went to bed, sweated out some toxins from the process while sleeping, and woke up this morning feeling totally different. Focused. Clear about what was really bugging the shit out of me, clear about what was and was not acceptable, clear about where my power was. Some things that were bothering me, they diminished and faded a bit into the background. Other things, I could see with such clarity and detachment, it was startling. She was right. And there's at least one or two situations that I still don't have any clarity on, so that's where the messages come in....
The best way I can describe it? I woke up with no patience for bullshit, for ambiguity, for lack of honesty, for non-disclosure. It wasn't quite impatient energy, but I didn't feel like some things were worth waiting around for or about. Or whatever preposition. I wanted to give my energy to what gives me energy in return, where there is an easy flow.
Chalk it up to reiki, to Mars, to life, whatever. But I want to just speak the truth. Part of this stems from the fact that my life is full of day-to-day flow and ambiguity and the only center is me, me me. (And my kids, when they are here with me. They keep me grounded.) My normal gut instinct for honesty at all costs has been amped up in the past year. I want to clear out all the cobwebs and create certainty. Yes, that's a little ridiculous and a total human construct and feeble attempt to create order out of chaos. But in some cases, this impulse to clear out the junk is a result of clarity. I am chalking it up to reiki, the Kundalini practice and the gongs. Plus, Amanda set the intention for clarity and patience, which completely resonated. Literally. Yes.
However, clearing out energetic debris means that you have sit with the difficulty and not force things along. This is especially true within 24-48 hours after a session, I think. And especially because one of the messages she got was "surrender to divine will." Speaking honestly--doesn't that sort of force your hand, and the hand of the person you're speaking to? Is that surrender? Not sure. It feels like going against the flow. But what if your flow has been stopped up and reiki unclogged it and all the stuff is just tumbling out? I can't catch it all; that's why I'm here.
Yep, trying really hard to stay in the flow here. Often, the brain gets in the way. Moreover, some things in my field right now are asking for attention, and some are receding. And some are doing both and confusing the heck out of me. So, yeah, what's the flow? It's more ebb than flow. What about this whole divine will thing? I think that divine will made me pissed off this morning and wanting answers! Ha!
Being in a state of separation is flux personified. I've already processed a whole bunch as it pertains to that loss, but the energies that have surfaced in my life as a result suggest to me I am on fast forward, as a spirit junkie friend told me yesterday. Amanda reminded me, too, that anyone who is "doing the work" is on fast forward. Damn. And you know you can't stop once you start. I learned that 8 years ago.
Energy is no joke and not to be trifled with; it is to be respected and honored and paid the fuck attention to, if you can work with it, be mindful of it, and be open to what it may be trying to teach you or show you. Or where or to whom or what it pulls you. I have moments of surrender, but my head was so blocked (literally and energetically) that she said everything was stuck. I have absolutely no roadmap other than my intuition and my experiences, and sometimes they aren't on the same page. And sometimes energy triggers latent shit, and it's hard to know whether or not you're being presented with an opportunity to revisit a lesson from the universe that you haven't quite learned yet (and should either surrender to because it is enticing, or run like hell in the other direction out of fear? lessons learned?), or if the surrender is part of the plan and that you have to just trust and go with it and leave the brain at the door--even if that means, yeah, you might be revisiting a lesson. Or two.
Someone I met recently told me that he doesn't have an off switch, and it reminded me of a Morrissey lyric that I wrote in my high school yearbook--"won't somebody stop me, from thinking, from thinking all the time.... " Suffice to say, I haven't found the off switch for my brain. Yoga and meditation and other things help. They are, of course, fleeting, because you must integrate that practice of detachment and witnessing into everyday life. Trust. Trust. Even though trusting can get you hurt. Practicing compulsive vulnerability, habitually, reflexively, but also carefully. If you don't do that, you never know. You never grow. You never get to solve the mysteries. You have to just trust.